The Body I Used

 

(This photo goes back a few years when Mom's tits weren't as big as they are now - though they were obviously still quite large.  But I love this combination view of her big juggs along with her very feminine sexy legs.)

We all do things we regret, right?  And the older we get the more things we look back on and ask ourselves "why the fuck did I do that?," or, sometimes even worse, "Why the fuck didn't I do that?"  Three things I regret are related.  I regret waiting until my mid 30's to accept the fact that I am a lesbian.  The second was waiting until my mid 30's to express my lust for Mom.  The third is a little trickier and, other than the picture here, is the gist of this post.

I had the hots for Mom ever since I knew what having the hots was.  The first time I masturbated I had a picture of Mom in a bikini in my free hand.  I found Jake's stash of secret photos he had taken - usually without her knowledge - of Mom in tiny bathing suits or of Mom in the shower, things like that - and stared at them as I pleasured myself.  But I tried to put that lust behind me and be "normal" sexually.  Mom's first husband, my father, was extremely conservative in his sexual beliefs and would never accept his daughter as a lesbian much less one who wanted nothing more than to touch her mother, his wife, sexually.  So I suppressed that real me, dating guys, even marrying Phillip - which lasted some 10 years.  But, finally, in my mid 30's, I couldn't suppress it any longer and came onto Mom.  Much to my joy and relief, she accepted my advance and joined it.

Still, denying that real me for so long left me with some anger issues.  Yes, the anger was mostly with myself - and some with my Dad for making me feel I had to not be me.  Unfortunately, and here's the third thing I mentioned paragraph before the previous one, I took that anger out on Mom's body.  Kind of screwed up, I know.  What I wanted most I pretty much abused because for all those years I didn't have it and I blamed it on that body for not being mine to use and not on myself for not being me.  God, the things I did to that body!  Dildos I used on it got longer and longer and fatter and fatter and they were meant for that throat as much as that pussy.  I was one of only two people she would allow to handcuff her - Harry being the other one - and I took full advantage of handcuffs.  I would turn the fuck machines we had on full speed and penetration and had them going into her mouth and cunt.  (I never was into anal with her.)  And I had to hesitation to use my fist in that cunt as well.  When we played games it was always master and slave with me as the master in full makeup and dress while she would be in rags with no makeup.  And, God, would I ride that face, pressing down so hard she could hardly breathe.  And those tits: they were mine to do with as I pleased.  I often left them red with use.  I ever hit them, but I wouldn't hesitate to slap them around.

And, she took it, all of it, without complaint.  I rarely apologized for being so rough and demeaning to her but when I did she would brush it off and tell me she enjoyed it, which, in retrospect, I guess she did.  (I also guess the fact that she did enjoy it made me even angrier to do more and more.)  I also justified it by thinking she was asking for it.  I was still working as an imaging technician at an imaging center and when I came home to her (after leaving Phillip) there she would be, dressed like she is in the photo, waiting for me.  I'd lose myself in the anger and passion but always felt better  about myself when I was done.

We talked about all this recently when planning for her autobiographical series of movies.  We hadn't really ever talked about it as I wanted to forget that I actually did some of those things.  When it finally began spilling out of me - and her - I was embarrassed and horrified.  But she calmed me down and explained she was partly to blame for something that really didn't deserve blame.  She said she was learning herself sexually back then and what I did to her made her a better lover, helped to make her the perfect sub she is today.  It taught her how to handle having her body treated the way I was treating it; handle it and enjoy it because she was sharing it with someone she loved so completely.  I was the female version of Harry who was abusing her body almost as bad from a male perspective.  She now says she wouldn't have changed a thing.

Would I?  Most of me says "yes," but things have ended up so wonderfully now that, if truly given the option to change what I did those 10 - 11 years ago I would answer "no" because things are so damn good now maybe even things I'm ashamed of now made us who we are today.

Michelle